?

Log in

iQuit

Hopefully this will be a quick update since I should really get in the shower because I only have three hours till I'm getting picked up. But anyway…

Wednesday is my iQuit day. It's the day I'm going smoke free. I'm going to trade the smokes in for Nicorette lozenges. I also have a twelve week plan set up for weaning off the lozenges. I'm really nervous, but it's something I've wanted to do for a while. I've already tried twice. I'm hoping third time's a charm.

Also I'm back in school. It's the start of week four today. I have an "A" in the class so far with a 96.4% which gives me a 3.87 GPA since I got an "A-" in my first class. As soon as this class ends I'm jumping right into Intro to Psych. And when that term is over I will be off financial suspension. Thank god.

I must get going now. I have to shower, take the dog out and I'm not sure what else in the next 3 hours to be ready to go. I'm going out to eat with my mom and her friend Carol. We're going to Long Horn which I've been dying to go to for a few months now.

Hope all is well with you all! ♥

Holy shit! The past 24 hours have been so crazy. First Padraig told me he never wanted to talk to me again and I was so fucking broken that I spent most of yesterday trying not to break down. But when my case manager Lene showed up, it was all I could do to just breathe and talk to her. For a good fifteen minutes I couldn't even tell her what was wrong and she played the yes-no guessing game with me trying to figure it out. She figured some of it out that way, but eventually I had to explain a bit. It felt so bad. She prescribed me Disney movies and Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Therapy. She even had me call my mom to get the ice cream while she was still at my house.

About thirty minutes after she left singsingasong, who by the way wanted to kill Padraig by this point, txt'd and asked me to do sbux with her. I, of course, agreed. I thought it'd be good therapy and Lene would have added that to my "prescription" if she'd still been there. Not long after that, I'd say within five minutes of singsingasong's txt, I got a Facebook message from Padraig. I was so fucking scared to look at it, but I did, and what it said had my heart simultaneously in my throat and skipping a beat with joy all at once.

Before I tell you what Padraig's message said, I should probably admit to sending him two FB messages after he told me to never speak to him again. And this is what they said…

•••••

Message One: (2:30am) Know the saddest part of it all? If you were to come to me tomorrow, or even five seconds from now, and apologized, I would accept your apology. I'd forgive you in a heartbeat.

Message Two: (11:19am) What's even more pathetic is that you wouldn't even have to apologize.

•••••

Now back to Padraig's message. The first thing he did was say he was so sorry for being such a brutal asshole. Then he proceeded to explain how he'd been drunk and even though that's what was going on, it wasn't an excuse. He told me I didn't need to accept his apology but he just wanted to put it out there. He also said that I mean a lot to him and he couldn't stand to not have us be in each other's lives. But the thing that scared me and made my heart leap into my throat was the fact that he'd gotten drunk. He's been sober for two years because his drinking made him extremely ill, like almost cost him his life. He was told that if he ever drank again it'd probably kill him. Please put one and two together because I can't bear to type it. My eyes are watering just thinking about it. Fuck. I love this kid so much and if he had died… I don't know what I would have done, especially with how things had ended before his apology.

After about five minutes of just staring in shock at my computer screen, I finally replied to him. The first thing I said was, like I said last night, I'll forgive you in a heartbeat. Then I told him if he ever did it again to just tell me he's drunk because I don't think I could ever handle that kind of brutality from him again. I told him he means the world to me.

We're okay now. He's going to go to AA, said he was going to go last night in fact. singsingasong still wants to beat the shit out of him. She said after she did that, she was going to take him to AA and then a dharma talk. I love that she cares about me so much she'd kick the shit out of him for hurting me. I mean, I was so fucking hurt that I worried her, making her think that I could possibly be so upset that I might hurt myself or wind up in the hospital. I have to admit that if this had been six years ago… I wouldn't have hesitated to slice up my arms. But it's not six years ago. I'm not going back to that kind of coping skill.

In the end, it's been a very emotional roller coaster type of twenty-four hours. And the subject of this post? It's something that Padraig told me today. We're both broken and maybe we'll help each other get fixed. *shrug* Who knows.

I'm just so eternally grateful that he's okay and he's speaking to me again. I honestly don't know what I would have done if he had died, I fucking love him. He's my world.

My mom and I had Chinese for dinner and my fortune was perfect and made me instantly think, Padraig. It said, "Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you."

Well, I've got about 3 hours till I have to get up to take the dog out. Must get some more sleep. Until next time…

xoxo,
amanda: jaclyn's twin sister♥

Hearts are meant to be broken.

My last post was of me admitting I was in love with Padraig… I don't even know what to write tonight, except that I have no fucking clue anymore.

Maybe I should have listened when Padraig said he was an asshole. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. It seems like no matter what I get my hopes up about, they always get crushed to dust. With Padraig it was no different.

I should have known that I'm too fucking damaged to be with. I should have known that if he really knew me, he wouldn't want me. I haven't let myself cry about this, but now as I type this, I can't stop the tears from falling. I'm broken.

I love him. I want him. But I'm me and I can never have what I want. I don't even know what I did wrong; he won't tell me.

I want so badly to just delete him from Facebook, but I can't. I just… I don't want to believe its over before it even began. My chest physically hurts, there's an actual ache. It probably doesn't help my emotions that I'm on steroids for a Crohn's flare up. They're doing weird things to my emotions even though they're supposed to basically be a lighter version of prednisone without the side affects. I'm also hormonal from pms so I doubt that's helping either.

I just wish he'd tell me what I did. I'd fucking apologize if I needed to. I don't know what went wrong and that's the hardest part.

I love him and he broke me. But if he suddenly decided to talk to me again… I'd jump on that. I wouldn't hold whatever this is against him. I just want to wake up tomorrow and realize this was all a dream.

I love him, but only on my own…
from Les Miserables


amanda: jaclyn's twin sister

With a Little Help From My Friends

So today I had two, count 'em two, of my closest friends tell me I'm in love with Padraig. And you know what? I hate when my friends are right. Fuckers.

Thing is, until singsingasong said it—as she's my bestest and closest friend—I didn't want to admit it. But tonight she said, Obvi you're in love. To which I replied, Fuck. You think so? Then singsingasong said, smitten, obsessed, "in love" whatever you call it lol yes! And she is so fucking right. I am smitten-obsessed-in-love with Padraig Murphy.

There. I admitted it.

Truth is, he tells me he's going to ruin me and I always tell him that he won't. He loves when we disagree. I think part of the reason we get along so well is that we're both broken. And I think sometimes it's hard for him to hear that I care about him. His last girlfriend broke his heart after four years. It kills me to know what she did to him and I wish I could just tear into her for it.

Anyway, I wish I could tell him how I feel, but he's not answering texts right now. Knowing him, I'll get a message at three in the morning when he can't sleep. And knowing me, I'll wake up not long after because I'll have my phone lying on my chest with it on vibrate. I really hope he texts me before I go to bed and or fall asleep. I don't want to wait until tomorrow, but I will if I have to.

Padraig makes me ridiculously happy and… it's kind of scary and exciting all at once. I'm scared shitless at being physical with him. But on the other hand, I want it to be him that I have my first post-trauma kiss with and whatever else that may come along. Getting a message from him is always the highlight of my day. It's crazy, but in a good way =)

Now I'm going to go eat some Cherry Twizzler bites and then it'll be time for bed.

xoxo
amanda: jaclyn's twin sister ♥

Boys, boys, boys…

So it's been a while. But here's a little update type thing. There's a guy; a cute, talented, funny, grumpy guy who makes me have all kinds of feels. And he likes me, too.

Do you know how long it's been since a guy was interested in me? Since I was fifteen. When I was raped. I haven't let anyone be interested in me since, no matter how much I felt for them.

But Padraig is different. He's a self-proclaimed asshole, but he's really not. I mean, he has his moments just like anyone. But for the most part, he's sweet and nice and I really like him.

It scares me.

But then there are days like today. Normally we text every five minutes, unless he's at work—he's a chef. On his days off, I basically have to leave my phone plugged in all day or else it'll die five times over. But today I've heard from him once and he seemed grumpy. I haven't heard from him since.

It's sort of complicated, but he was going to go on a date with this chick. I kind of wonder if he went on that date tonight. But then he texted me. And it was grumpy and now I'm just confused. He knows how I feel about the date, which is to say he knows I hate the idea of him going out with someone else. But we worked through it.

*sigh* I guess I just don't know what to do and my friends aren't any help right now since they're not answering my texts.

It's too soon to say that I love him—we're not even dating. (did I mention I've known him for years?) But he makes me happy, so happy. Happier than I've been in forever. And I miss him when we haven't talked. It sucks because he lives in another city and he doesn't have a car and I don't have a license.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. I just needed to vent a bit. I want to text him, but I'm not sure he wants me to. It's sad and frustrating. But mostly sad. I lub him.

xo
amanda: jaclyn's twin sister

Two Days Overdue

So this post should have been written on Wednesday. But I'm writing it now, on Friday night. This is re: the worst day ever post.

Basically, I had my financial aid suspended because I wasn't meeting the Satisfactory Academic Progress guidelines by only having a 50% credit completion rate. Apparently you need a 67%. But my GPA is a 3.67 so that's above the 2.0 I needed. But because I didn't meet one of the criteria, they pulled my funding and I had to withdraw from the class I was taking—or pay the 964$ out of pocket to continue in class.

I had 14 days to write an appeal. On the 14th day I finally got the letter from my doctor telling them that my narcolepsy treatment had caused some problems and the new treatment was working without side effects so my narcolepsy wouldn't be a problem. I sent in my appeal letter, along with the doctor's note and an academic plan.

A week or so later I asked my advisor when he thought the committee would get back to me and he emailed saying I needed to change some things on my academic plan that were wrong. Once I did that and sent it back in (a week ago Thursday) he told me that the SAP committee would review my appeal in full on Wednesday (this past week).

So on Wednesday I got word that the committee APPROVED my appeal and my funding was reinstated yesterday. I am now signed up for terms 1 and 2. I'll be taking the class I had to drop from in June which is intro to creative writing and intro to psych after that.

I'm so excited that I'll finally be going back to school! The only thing is that I'll be on financial aid probation until I finish my academic plan, which is worrisome, but I'll manage.

So that's my update on that.

Goodnight. ♥

amanda: jaclyn's twin sister

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Eleven

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (11/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 (over all)
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: none
Word Count: 881
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?


Chapter Eleven: the endCollapse )

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Ten

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (10/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 (over all)
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: none
Word Count: 1,114 (not including lyrics)
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?


SONG CREDIT
Song: Written All Over My Face
Artist: Kris Allen
Album: Kris Allen

Chapter TenCollapse )

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Nine

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (09/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 (over all)
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: strong language
Word Count: 2,431
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?

Chapter NineCollapse )

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Eight

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (08/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 over all
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: Strong Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Rimming
Word Count: 3,057
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?

Chapter EightCollapse )

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Seven

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (07/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 over all
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: Strong Language, Explicit Sexual Content
Word Count: 2,189
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?


Chapter SevenCollapse )

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Six

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (06/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 over all
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: a smidge of strong language (no F-bombs), seductive fruit and God talk.
Word Count: 1,764
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?


Chapter SixCollapse )

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Five

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (05/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 over all
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: uh, kissing?
Word Count: 1,675
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?


Chapter FiveCollapse )

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Four

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (04/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 over all
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: one “F” word
Word Count: 2,672 (not including lyrics)
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?


SONG CREDIT
Song: In a Second
Album: Into the Rush
Artist: Aly & AJ

Chapter FourCollapse )

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Three

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (03/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 over all
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: Um, none?
Word Count: 2,623
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?


Chapter ThreeCollapse )

Profile

gay pride hearts
writefiction
amanda: jaclyn's twin sister
tweet this

Latest Month

September 2013
S M T W T F S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930     

Tags

Syndicate

RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Kyle Flood