Not quite sure what the plan is. But maybe things will be looking up soon.
—•Posted via BlogPress•—
& & & & &
I've realized today, or really just a few moments ago, that I'm still very angry about things that happened two years ago and it makes me feel like I have to be on guard when I interact with certain people. I feel like a paranoid bitch. But with the way my life's gone in the past 3.5 years, you would probably understand why I've lost a lot of trust in people in general, why I feel like I can never take anything at face value, that there's always something underneath what people are saying that I'm not getting.
There are only a very few select people in my life that I don't feel this way with. I feel like they mean what they say and there's no underlying complication. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like people are two-faced and will turn on you within a heart beat if you say the wrong thing. I only have... one friend that I can say anything to and we're always okay.
I hate feeling that some of my closest friends have ulterior motives at times. I hate being told one thing then another, then another and then in the end it's completely different.
I hate feeling out of the loop. I hate feeling like I'm just another fandom chick that doesn't matter enough to know about things that change in your life, like, BIG things. I hate feeling as though I'm unimportant when you are one of the most important people in my life. I mostly just hate that we never talk like we used to and but you have all the time in the world for other people. I hate feeling like I've been placed on the back burner.
Maybe this post should just be entitled "Things I Hate" because that seems to be the direction this post is going.
On the outside life seems pretty good, but on the inside I just feel like crap. I mean, it doesn't always feel like this and it hasn't for a bit, but right now I'm at a loss. I feel lost and confused and like the only people who care are the people that are paid to because it's their job as therapist and case manager. I hate feeling like I just want to say, Fuck it! and rid myself of everyone I know who I don't see on a regular basis... so that's all of one person.
I hate feeling like we're flirting and yet, I can only get your number if I'm a client or a customer. Like, yeah, I'd love to buy your art-work or a t-shirt but if I did that for every one of the friends I have, I'd be in debt up to my eyeballs. Really, I just want your number so we can text and become closer because, yeah, I have a crush on you. But half the time we're flirty and half the time I'm ignored. I go out of my way to do silly things that you request of me, yet you can't email me back.
I hate feeling like everything is working against me when I have a friend that really DOES have everything going against her. I know it's really just my mental state and yet, nothing really changes because no one really listens, or rather, the people that could help don't listen. Like my prescriber. If I tell her I'm depressed, she just tells me she can't give me anymore medicine and it's like, well maybe it's time to try something different as I've been on this for 11 years and it's not helping as much anymore.
I hate it when my mom says "This is our family and we need to make the decisions together" when really what she means is, I'm the mother and what I say goes. I'm twenty-seven years old and I still can't make decisions on my own and that's probably why I'm so fucking indecisive, which is something I hate about myself. I'm still the baby even though I'm an adult. I'm still the kid living with their mother and not a room mate when I pay to live here. I'm sorry if my disability doesn't cover half of everything, but it doesn't mean I'm not trying. It doesn't mean I want my mother to rule my life.
I hate that I've been sick since we moved into this house, have just found out that the attic has mold, yet my mother doesn't think it has anything to do with the way I sound like I'm coughing up my lungs every morning. She blames it on smoking. But it's not just that. I sound like that every morning, after I've been in my room all night. But by the time I go to bed and I've been downstairs all day, I sound fine. I'm also just so physically tired that I feel like I've been awake for days even though I get a full night's sleep about 99% of the time. Not even caffeine keeps me awake. Yet everyone thinks I'm okay because I'm getting 6+ hours of use out of my CPAP machine a night and the pressure is at a perfect percentage that keeps me from having airway issues. But I've been using it for almost a year now and I'm still so tired that it's hard to keep my eyes open unless I'm sitting upright from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. And even then I could fall asleep sitting up, I'm just that tired. I hate feeling like shit for the past two years and everyone else thinks there's nothing wrong. I just want to yell at people, DO MORE TESTS! FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT ALREADY! But I don't because once again, I feel like my mother rules my life and if she thinks it's not a problem then it's not.
I'm so sick of my life that I wish I could just pack up all my belongings and move far, far away from here; just start the fuck over. But I can't so I'm stuck and I hate it. I wish there was a do-over button. I wish I could just start my life over.
- Mood:
confused - Music:NCIS on my TV
- Mood:
ecstatic
When the two people in your life that you want most to remember your birthday don't… it sucks. It also sucks when someone who claims to be your best friend forgets your birthday but their daughter doesn't.
But you know what kinda rocks? Going with your actual BFF on a road trip to see William Fitzsimmons play and he breaks out with "Pieces of Me" by Ashlee Simpson. It almost makes you forget about who didn't wish you a happy birthday or Valentine's Day. It's the best Valentine's "date" you've ever had! —which some may find sad, but I don't— I had an awesome time last night, even if I haven't slept all night. LOL. I got cool earrings at Debs and ate yummy food at IHOP. Plus the Foursquare app for my phone worked most of the time! \o/ Hopefully it'll work better when I get my android phone. Android iOS is so much better than a Nokia smartphone; trust me, I know.
Now for the complaining I've done about who forgot my bday, I've also got to say how awesome it was! I had ten posts on my Facebook by 6:30 that morning and about 25 by the end of the day. My mom got me a shirt, a $25 gift card to Barnes and Noble that went with my NOOK Simple Touch. I love it! It's so light and easy on the eyes… unlike my previous eReader. Also, Kevin Hilley, a radio DJ I used to write songs for and let me sing them live on the radio, posted a birthday wish to my Facebook and when I friended him a few days beforehand he said he remembered me. That was an awesome feeling! I miss hearing him on my radio every morning.
Ma, Mike and I went to Newick's for my birthday dinner and the food was yummy—as always. And as always, Mike got me a gift card to Mickey D's. How sweet *giggle* Another awesome thing about my birthday? My sister, her twins and my grandma called me and sang Happy Birthday. Unfortunately I was walking Bear so I didn't get to talk to them; they just left a message.
All in all things have been pretty good. Birthday was awesome and so was Valentine's Day. I didn't hate it for being single like I thought I would. I'm getting to that age where I don't want to be alone anymore so it was fun to go to a concert and forget that I am alone and have been for over a decade.
The next time I update this thing, I promise it'll be about my first publication XD
xoxo,
amanda: jaclyn's twin sister♥
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
- Mood:Post-Valentine's Blues
- Music:WMUR News 9 Daybreak
Title/Chapter: Fractured Hearts (07/07)
Author: Amanda / ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
writefiction
Pairing: Taylor Hanson / OFC (Libby Hanson)
Rating: G
Notes: written for the Don’t Judge a Book… challenge
Other Notes: AU, no Natalie or kids had with her
Warning: none
Word Count: 1,429
Master Post
Summary: Libby and Taylor Hanson have only a year left with their two year old daughter, Lily, who was diagnosed with a fatal cancer. When she finally succumbs to her illness the couple is heartbroken and their marriage begins to fall apart at the seams. Will they be able to fix their fractured hearts, or will they be destined for divorce?
( Fractured Hearts: the end )
Title/Chapter: Fractured Hearts (06/07)
Author: Amanda / writefiction
Pairing: Taylor Hanson / OFC (Libby Hanson)
Rating: G
Notes: written for the Don’t Judge a Book… challenge
Other Notes: AU, no Natalie or kids had with her
Warning: none
Word Count: 2,114
Master Post
Summary: Libby and Taylor Hanson have only a year left with their two year old daughter, Lily, who was diagnosed with a fatal cancer. When she finally succumbs to her illness the couple is heartbroken and their marriage begins to fall apart at the seams. Will they be able to fix their fractured hearts, or will they be destined for divorce?
( Fractured Hearts: chapter six )
Title/Chapter: Fractured Hearts (05/?)
Author: Amanda / writefiction
Pairing: Taylor Hanson / OFC (Libby Hanson)
Rating: NC-17
Notes: written for the Don’t Judge a Book… challenge
Other Notes: AU, no Natalie or kids had with her
Warning: graphic sexual situations
Word Count: 2,914
Master Post
Summary: Libby and Taylor Hanson have only a year left with their two year old daughter, Lily, who was diagnosed with a fatal cancer. When she finally succumbs to her illness the couple is heartbroken and their marriage begins to fall apart at the seams. Will they be able to fix their fractured hearts, or will they be destined for divorce?
( Fractured Hearts: chapter five )
Title/Chapter: Fractured Hearts (04/?)
Author: Amanda / writefiction
Pairing: Taylor Hanson / OFC (Libby Hanson)
Rating: PG
Notes: written for the Don’t Judge a Book… challenge
Other Notes: AU, no Natalie or kids had with her
Warning: none
Word Count: 764
Master Post
Summary: Libby and Taylor Hanson have only a year left with their two year old daughter, Lily, who was diagnosed with a fatal cancer. When she finally succumbs to her illness the couple is heartbroken and their marriage begins to fall apart at the seams. Will they be able to fix their fractured hearts, or will they be destined for divorce?
( Fractured Hearts: chapter four )
Title/Chapter: Fractured Hearts (03/?)
Author: Amanda / writefiction
Pairing: Taylor Hanson / OFC (Libby Hanson)
Rating: PG-13
Notes: written for the Don’t Judge a Book… challenge
Other Notes: AU, no Natalie or kids had with her
Warning: past rape.
Word Count: 2,053
Master Post
Summary: Libby and Taylor Hanson have only a year left with their two year old daughter, Lily, who was diagnosed with a fatal cancer. When she finally succumbs to her illness the couple is heartbroken and their marriage begins to fall apart at the seams. Will they be able to fix their fractured hearts, or will they be destined for divorce?
( Fractured Hearts: chapter three )
- Mood:
tired - Music:NCIS on my TV
Title/Chapter: Fractured Hearts (02/?)
Author: Amanda / writefiction
Pairing: Taylor Hanson / OFC (Libby Hanson)
Rating: PG-13
Notes: written for the Don’t Judge a Book… challenge
Other Notes: AU, no Natalie or kids had with her
Warning: language
Word Count: 951
Master Post
Summary: Libby and Taylor Hanson have only a year left with their two year old daughter, Lily, who was diagnosed with a fatal cancer. When she finally succumbs to her illness the couple is heartbroken and their marriage begins to fall apart at the seams. Will they be able to fix their fractured hearts, or will they be destined for divorce?
( Fractured Hearts: chapter two )
- Mood:
sore - Music:Supernatural on My TV
I'm 99% sure that my tooth is infected… again. Two years ago I had surgery to remove an infection from it that ate a hole in my upper jaw. That wasn't as horrible as it sounds. I didn't even need to take the Percocet they prescribed me (which then came in handy four months later when I dropped a kidney stone). But this time I'm worried that they're going to make me get an implant. If I remember correctly, the whole procedure can take up to six months -_-
I've taken Tylenol and ibuprofen today and neither has helped. Which sucks because my face is throbbing from wearing my CPAP mask for an hour. This has resulted in me not being able to sleep; hence this late night update.
Luckily I'm going to see the surgeon that worked on me two years ago tomorrow. I don't know what I'm hoping he'll say since I know it's going to ultimately be bad news. I just hope he'll give me something for the pain and then tell me he can fix this problem once and for all. Unlikely that it'll get fixed for good bc I'm not that lucky in the dental department, but a girl can dream.
Going to try to sleep now. Wish me luck.
xo,
amanda: jaclyn's twin sister ♥
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
- Mood:Major Pain
- Music:Disney Channel on My TV
Title/Chapter: Fractured Hearts (01/?)
Author: Amanda / writefiction
Pairing: Taylor Hanson / OFC (Libby Hanson)
Rating: PG-13
Notes: written for the Don’t Judge a Book… challenge
Other Notes: AU, no Natalie or kids had with her
Warning: fatal childhood illness, character death, mild violence
Word Count: 1,552
Master Post
Summary: Libby and Taylor Hanson have only a year left with their two year old daughter, Lily, who was diagnosed with a fatal cancer. When she finally succumbs to her illness the couple is heartbroken and their marriage begins to fall apart at the seams. Will they be able to fix their fractured hearts, or will they be destined for divorce?
( Chapter One )
Author: Amanda /
![[info]](../../img/userinfo.gif?v=88.3){kind=small}
writefictionPairing: Taylor Hanson / OFC (Libby Hanson)
Rating: NC-17
Notes: written for the Don’t Judge a Book… challenge
Other Notes: AU, no Natalie or kids had with her
Warning: fatal childhood illness
Summary: Libby and Taylor Hanson have only a year left with their two year old daughter, Lily, who was diagnosed with a fatal cancer. When she finally succumbs to her illness the couple is heartbroken and their marriage begins to fall apart at the seams. Will they be able to fix their fractured hearts, or will they be destined for divorce?
PROLOGUE // ONE // TWO // THREE // FOUR //
FIVE // SIX // SEVEN //
Title/Chapter: Fractured Hearts (prologue/?)
Author: Amanda / writefiction
Pairing: Taylor Hanson / OFC (Libby Hanson)
Rating: PG
Notes: written for the Don’t Judge a Book… challenge
Other Notes: AU, no Natalie or kids had with her
Warning: fatal childhood illness
Word Count: 736
Master Post
Summary: Libby and Taylor Hanson have only a year left with their two year old daughter, Lily, who was diagnosed with a fatal cancer. When she finally succumbs to her illness the couple is heartbroken and their marriage begins to fall apart at the seams. Will they be able to fix their fractured hearts, or will they be destined for divorce?
( Fractured Hearts: prologue )
- Mood:
cold - Music:Whatever Sbux is Playing...
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